Why? It's such a basic question- but in some situations there is no good answer. I have been faced with so many "whys" lately. In not only my own life, but in the lives of the girls around me...

Why do we invest so much of our hearts in that new guy, just to get hurt again?
Why do we look in the mirror, and not see the beauty, but see ugliness?
Why do we think so poorly of ourselves that we stop eating or form some other horrible habit?
Why do we yearn for our parent's love and approval so badly, that we beat ourselves up over it?
Why do we blame ourselves for so many of this world's problems?
Why do we place so much of our identity in our relationship status?
Why do we equate the attention he gives with our worth?
Why? Why? Why?

Last night, one of my friends told me how she desperately wanted to "save" someone close to her that was struggling in a bad situation. I told her we can't save anyone, only God can... and she asked me, "Then WHY isn't He?!?" Whoa... that threw me for a loop... I didn't have an answer to that. I don't have an answer to any of these questions, but that last one really made me think... why?

All I can do is trust that His word is truth, and hold onto the Lord's promises.
He IS good... even in the "whys."

I had some pretty interesting conversations with my best friend the other night. We are both feeling simply fed up with the "relationship games" that go on. We are tired of being lonely. We are both happy, fun, outgoing Christan girls. We both have a good head on our shoulders, we know what we want. Basically, we know that we are amazing... but we've got baggage. Is that enough to scare away every decent guy? Are we only good enough for the guys who are looking for a good time?

I wonder how many other girls feel this way? As if there is a formula out there for us as Christians to follow in order to have a "good life." A twelve step program for living the perfect life in order to get the perfect husband, with the perfect job, and raise two perfect children. While my friend and I realize that God has great things planned for us, in HIS time, we are ready NOW and are tired of waiting around.

What's the next step for us? Do we sit around and wait for our future husband to come riding in on his white horse to rescue us from the monotony of our day to day? Or do we need take the lead? I am fond of chivalry, so I'm not about to step out and start asking guys on dates. I fully believe that it is the Male's role to pursue us girls. But what do we, as women, need to do to light a fire under the asses of today's men?

I'm sorry to report that I, obviously, don't have the answer. If I did, I wouldn't be having these conversations over dinner with my best friend. I wouldn't be planning a girls weekend to drink wine and eat chocolate and complain about guys. And I wouldn't be writing this blog!

All this to say, guys, if there is a girl in your life who is still single and you can't seem to figure out why... man up and take her out to dinner, or coffee. You never know what may come of it. You may find a new friend, or you may find the woman of your dreams. The one that you never knew was right in front of you. Come on, you've got nothing to loose.

And girls, don't loose hope! Like I said, God does have amazing things planned for us. In the meantime, find your true friends, grab a bottle of TwoBuckChuck, rent some chick-flicks, bake some cookies, and enjoy a weekend of being amazing women!

Facebook turns me into a glutton for punishment. I don't know why I have remained his "friend" after everything fell apart between us. Well, that's a lie... I am not his enemy, and secretly I want to know what he is doing with his life, I want to know that he is ok. But do I want to see him happy and in a new relationship? Do I want to see pictures of him kissing his new love? They look the same, it's just that the girl has been changed. Do I want to see the comments he leaves about her? The are written the same, it's just the person they are about has changed.

I know exactly why it bothers me so much. Why I get that sinking, horrible feeling in my gut. You know, the feeling you get when you hear something you didn't want to hear? I know why i feel that way when I see his updates all over my news feed.

He was the only person, in my 25 years of life, who saw something in me that was worthwhile. The only person who saw me as more than "just a friend." He looked at me and saw beauty, he cherished me, he adored me. I haven't found that again. I held onto hope that maybe someday he would come back around. He would see those things again. There is definitly no one else out there that sees those things. And now, that hope is gone. It's as if that part of me is gone. I want it back.

I want to feel worthwhile. I want to be more than "just friends." I want to feel beautiful. To be cherished. To be adored.

Why can't I seem to grasp these things? The things I am most passionate about, that I strive to engrave in the minds of the teenage girls that I work with. I teach these things, I write about these things... but do I BELIEVE them?


This summer I had to teach a seminar on something that I was passionate about, a topic that I felt I had enough knowledge or experience in, to be able to talk about it for a little under an hour. One day, it hit me, I was supposed to talk about finding our worth in the LORD and not in things of this earth, and about understanding God's love in a new way. I prepared for months. I had really great ideas, visuals, I recorded a song, and by summer I was ready! I spoke every Thursday for five weeks. Sometimes to thirty girls, sometimes to three. Every time I felt so good about it. But now summer is over, and I am struggling with the EXACT things I taught about. I am back at square one.

I started off the seminar holding up a mirror. I had the girls tell me words that they think of when they look at themselves through the worlds eyes. This always started off a little difficult, getting that first girl to say something negative, but eventually the words flowed, harsh and painful... "Ugly. Fat. Unwanted. Lonely. Nerd. Loser. Unworthy. Disgusting." The most horrifying words would come from the mouths of these innocent teenage girls, and it broke my heart to write them down on the mirror. I would hold up the mirror and show them these things that we, as women, have come to believe about ourselves. Those words were vows that we have made, deep in our hearts, that we hold as truth.

I shared with them a "vow" I had made a few years ago. I had vowed to find worth, no matter the cost. To make someone, anyone, look at me and see something beautiful. I wanted to feel "worth it" and I would do anything to feel that way. And so began a long road of giving my heart, and my flesh, over to many guys. Not because they loved me or wanted a relationship with me, but because they were giving me attention, attention that I equated with worth.

It's not a fun story to tell, and it's not easy to sit in front of a group of girls that look up to you and think you are simply the coolest counselor in the world, and tell them how messed up you are. But God takes those "not so great" things about our lives, and allows us to use them for His glory.

I then told the girls about the book of Hosea. My favorite book in the Bible, because it is a story of unconditional love, and it is a story about God and US. Hosea is told to take in a prostitute as his wife. He loves her, gives her a home, takes care of her, and what does she do to repay him? She turns her back and returns to her old life. She thinks that she is only good enough to sell her body to men, she doesn't deserve this kind of love. But Hosea relentlessly pursues her, and purchases her back time and time again. And this is EXACTLY what God does with us. I then shared with them the story behind my tattoo. How it says "Priceless" because I AM that prostitute in Hosea. I have turned to my old life time and time again, and the Lord continually will buy me back, because to Him, I am priceless.

God WANTS our love. He is jealous for it. He will pursue us, and block the paths of things that get in the way of that. And He doesn't leave us high and dry, He romances us back to him. He sends us shooting stars, and beautiful sunsets. He quiets our souls, and gives us goosebumps and tears of joy. When I began to see the way that God was romancing me in my own life, I stopped turning back to my old life. I could rest in His love. I saw "God's Love" in a whole new light.

I then had the girls think about "new vows" to make in their hearts, so that the old vows would slowly fade away. I played a song written from Zephaniah 3:17 and gave them time to reflect on these things. I then concluded my seminar with the mirror. I brought it back out, with all the ugly words written across it and asked the girls to think of new words about how the Lord sees them. The words flowed again, this time so sweetly, "Beautiful. Perfect. Priceless. Daughter. Loved. Worth It." I would erase the harsh lies and replace them with lovely truths. Every Thursday I would leave the room where I gave my seminar, feeling overwhelmed by the beautiful words these girls would say of themselves. Overwhelmed at the love of God. Overwhelmed that He delights in me. Overwhelmed that He sees me as priceles.

But at the same time, I knew that sooner or later these precious girls would fall right back into the lies they originally wrote up on the mirror. And I would too.

And that is where I am today. Back to the beginning with horrible, ugly words written on my mirror. I know in my head that all of this is true. That God loves me, that He pursues me, that His timing is perfect, that He delights in me. But right now, my heart cant grasp it.



I wonder how often this happens? How often do pastors stand in front of their congregation and preach ever so passionately about something, just to drive home and wrestle with their own thoughts on the subject? How often do Youth Pastors spend their time pouring out love onto the kids in their youth group, but have no love for themselves? I just don't understand how this works... when will we get it... when will we finally grasp the things we have been taught and have been teaching for years? Maybe when we finally reach eternity? In that case, come quickly Lord Jesus!