Frustrated tonight... I just can't shake these feelings of loneliness. Can't help but question "When?" and "Why?" and "Where?" and it's starting to wear thin. I have been listening to sappy love songs lately and that certainly doesn't help. Do I have a certain person in mind when I hear these songs? Ugh... I wish I didn't! Because it's all false hope on my part.
Here are some lyrics that help prove my ridiculousness:

"In the autumn on the ground, between the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
I watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well

It's my caution not the cold
There's no other hand that I would rather hold
The climate changes, I'm singing for the strangers about you
Don't keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
The bets are getting surer now that you're my man

I could write a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
And like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart

*****

Your eyes are full
Full of the future of us
The air changes as you look across
At me in that wondering way

It is as if
I knew you before we spoke
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Conspiring, converging without giving us any say

You, sing me to sleep
Talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

You're ruining me
With secrets and gestures and looks
With sonnets from second-hand books
Playing the chords in me nobody knew how to play

You, sing me to sleep
Talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

It fits in your hand like water in rain
It unlocks our two different selves
And shows we are the same
Rather than wait `til I put me out for the taking
You're breaking
You're breaking
You're breaking into my heart
And I'm letting you

*****

ridiculous. hopeless. romantic.

Ok, I have been studying for the past few hours, and on my drive back to the dorm I had all kinds of thoughts floating around in my head. So, while this blog may be a little scattered, I do apologize, but that's just me! Complicated and wonderful!

I was thinking about my most recent blog post while trying to fall asleep last night. I had made that "PostSecret," posted at the beginning of the blog, a few years ago. At the time, I made it because I was just TIRED of hearing a close guy friend of mine swoon and fawn over every girl he saw. I didn't think that it was ever really about ME in my mind. And still, when I saw it recently, a new guy friend of mine came to mind, but I still didn't feel like it was TRULY about me. Mostly I just felt tired of hearing how BEAUTIFUL and PRETTY and ATTRACTIVE every single other girl was. Why can't we hear, "Man, that girl has got the most amazing laugh!" or even "Have you heard her talk about her passions? So awesome!" But, that is laughable. You will NEVER hear that from a guy. NEVER.
Even as I write this, I feel like a complete liar. Because deep down I realize how much about ME that PostSecret really is. I have never heard any of those things. I have always been surrounded by guys as my close friends. But that's all it ever amounts to, just the friend. And NEVER the beautiful, attractive, pretty one. I guess I never realized how deeply it affected me. Hmm…

The other day my roommate asked me if I ever wondered what my husband will look like. I thought about it and realized I really never have. I have always thought about my future mate, and what types of characteristics he will have... funny, outgoing, a heart for ministry... but as for looks... not so much. Sure we joke that I am obsessed with red hair and freckles... so that wouldn't be too bad! But in all honesty, the outward has never been a big deal for me. That is just the difference between males and females I guess! But now I can't help but wonder... what WILL he look like? Maybe God could help me out with a big red arrow pointing directly at him next time he's around, if he ever is.

I realize that I am truly a hopeless romantic. Sometimes I tease my friends for being this way, but I have to confess that I am just as bad, if not worse, than all of them put together. I LOVE love... I crave relationship... I want to hold his hand while he drives... I desire to be the first thing on his mind when he wakes up and the last thing he thinks of before falling asleep... I LONG for the day when the songs I listen to have more meaning than just pretty lyrics and harmonies. This has been at the forefront of my mind lately, maybe just because the holiday season is bearing down on us, or maybe because I torture myself by writing sappy blogs and listening to ridiculously cheesy music. Whatever the case, I am HOPELESS ♥

THIS is how i felt last night... and then I had a great thing happen...

I had to get the "Best Friend Talk" from one of my dearest friends. It was hard to take... but exactly what i needed to hear.

I was having a hard time with a certain boy that i was pining after. No, I was not throwing myself at his feet or anything drastic. But I was romanticising every thing he said and did... over analyzing each and every word... convincing myself that he would one day see what was right in front of him... and fall in love with me... and my Taylor Swift love story would be complete... NO SUCH LUCK.

So I text my friend and ask her WHY I continue to like this boy, who obviously isn't pursuing ME, or making ME feel special. And she told me this:

"Breaker, he doesn't like you. He's not going to like you. The more you hold on the more you're going to hurt. Even though you know you're being silly there's still part of you that thinks it's going to work. But it's not going to work. It's really not. Because as much as you know he's such a "great guy" he's also young, shallow and flirty. It makes me so mad that he strings you along..."

BAM. DONE. That was it for me. That was exactly what I needed to hear!

Why do we women do this to each other? It's just like in the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" (which I watched last week with this same dear friend who text-bombed me. I'm pretty sure she was telling me "Breaker, he's just not that into you!" that night... but me and my sixth glass of wine begged to differ!) We tell each other, "Oh, he will come around..." and "Of course he likes you..." blah blah blah... Why can't we all be REAL women, like my friend, and be blatantly, painfully honest with each other. It was the BEST thing I have had done for me in a long time. And it was like ripping off the band-aid.... I'm not in any pain anymore... I am SO thankful for her as a friend.

As for the boy, I'm moving on... slowly! haha