Why can't I seem to grasp these things? The things I am most passionate about, that I strive to engrave in the minds of the teenage girls that I work with. I teach these things, I write about these things... but do I BELIEVE them?


This summer I had to teach a seminar on something that I was passionate about, a topic that I felt I had enough knowledge or experience in, to be able to talk about it for a little under an hour. One day, it hit me, I was supposed to talk about finding our worth in the LORD and not in things of this earth, and about understanding God's love in a new way. I prepared for months. I had really great ideas, visuals, I recorded a song, and by summer I was ready! I spoke every Thursday for five weeks. Sometimes to thirty girls, sometimes to three. Every time I felt so good about it. But now summer is over, and I am struggling with the EXACT things I taught about. I am back at square one.

I started off the seminar holding up a mirror. I had the girls tell me words that they think of when they look at themselves through the worlds eyes. This always started off a little difficult, getting that first girl to say something negative, but eventually the words flowed, harsh and painful... "Ugly. Fat. Unwanted. Lonely. Nerd. Loser. Unworthy. Disgusting." The most horrifying words would come from the mouths of these innocent teenage girls, and it broke my heart to write them down on the mirror. I would hold up the mirror and show them these things that we, as women, have come to believe about ourselves. Those words were vows that we have made, deep in our hearts, that we hold as truth.

I shared with them a "vow" I had made a few years ago. I had vowed to find worth, no matter the cost. To make someone, anyone, look at me and see something beautiful. I wanted to feel "worth it" and I would do anything to feel that way. And so began a long road of giving my heart, and my flesh, over to many guys. Not because they loved me or wanted a relationship with me, but because they were giving me attention, attention that I equated with worth.

It's not a fun story to tell, and it's not easy to sit in front of a group of girls that look up to you and think you are simply the coolest counselor in the world, and tell them how messed up you are. But God takes those "not so great" things about our lives, and allows us to use them for His glory.

I then told the girls about the book of Hosea. My favorite book in the Bible, because it is a story of unconditional love, and it is a story about God and US. Hosea is told to take in a prostitute as his wife. He loves her, gives her a home, takes care of her, and what does she do to repay him? She turns her back and returns to her old life. She thinks that she is only good enough to sell her body to men, she doesn't deserve this kind of love. But Hosea relentlessly pursues her, and purchases her back time and time again. And this is EXACTLY what God does with us. I then shared with them the story behind my tattoo. How it says "Priceless" because I AM that prostitute in Hosea. I have turned to my old life time and time again, and the Lord continually will buy me back, because to Him, I am priceless.

God WANTS our love. He is jealous for it. He will pursue us, and block the paths of things that get in the way of that. And He doesn't leave us high and dry, He romances us back to him. He sends us shooting stars, and beautiful sunsets. He quiets our souls, and gives us goosebumps and tears of joy. When I began to see the way that God was romancing me in my own life, I stopped turning back to my old life. I could rest in His love. I saw "God's Love" in a whole new light.

I then had the girls think about "new vows" to make in their hearts, so that the old vows would slowly fade away. I played a song written from Zephaniah 3:17 and gave them time to reflect on these things. I then concluded my seminar with the mirror. I brought it back out, with all the ugly words written across it and asked the girls to think of new words about how the Lord sees them. The words flowed again, this time so sweetly, "Beautiful. Perfect. Priceless. Daughter. Loved. Worth It." I would erase the harsh lies and replace them with lovely truths. Every Thursday I would leave the room where I gave my seminar, feeling overwhelmed by the beautiful words these girls would say of themselves. Overwhelmed at the love of God. Overwhelmed that He delights in me. Overwhelmed that He sees me as priceles.

But at the same time, I knew that sooner or later these precious girls would fall right back into the lies they originally wrote up on the mirror. And I would too.

And that is where I am today. Back to the beginning with horrible, ugly words written on my mirror. I know in my head that all of this is true. That God loves me, that He pursues me, that His timing is perfect, that He delights in me. But right now, my heart cant grasp it.



I wonder how often this happens? How often do pastors stand in front of their congregation and preach ever so passionately about something, just to drive home and wrestle with their own thoughts on the subject? How often do Youth Pastors spend their time pouring out love onto the kids in their youth group, but have no love for themselves? I just don't understand how this works... when will we get it... when will we finally grasp the things we have been taught and have been teaching for years? Maybe when we finally reach eternity? In that case, come quickly Lord Jesus!