A while back I had another episode where I was lonely and vulnerable and I went crying to my best friend about the situation I was in. The same old situation where I like a boy who I KNOW doesn't like me and I KNOW I shouldn't like him, but I'm already invested so I just keep getting hurt. Here is a little bit of our conversation... it was TOO GOOD to not share with the world!

Best Friend: "Oh Breaker Breaker, I'm sorry! You know how when you're sad, eating makes you feel better? especially when it's something bad like oreos or something? Like for me, when I'm sad, I eat oreos. I know that they're bad for me, but the thought of eating them makes me happy. Sometimes when I eat them, they make me feel better. So I keep returning. But sometimes they just make me feel worse. They hurt my stomach and I wonder why I like them so much. But the next time that I'm sad, what do I want? Oreos! I think that (said boy) is your oreo."

Stupid Me: "Ugh... you are right, and I hate it! But I don't want to NOT eat my oreos, cuz what if one day the oreos are ALL GONE, and I never get any oreos again?"

Best Friend: "Then your stomach won't hurt and you'll find out that you actually like nutter butters much better anyway. But until then you can't help it, you just want a big stack of oreos and I think that's ok. But it's always good to be self aware, and to realize that the oreos aren't the problem. Cookies aren't even the problem. Why you feel that you always need a cookie is the problem."

My best friend is the wisest woman I know... so now, who can tell me why I always need a cookie? :)

Frustrated tonight... I just can't shake these feelings of loneliness. Can't help but question "When?" and "Why?" and "Where?" and it's starting to wear thin. I have been listening to sappy love songs lately and that certainly doesn't help. Do I have a certain person in mind when I hear these songs? Ugh... I wish I didn't! Because it's all false hope on my part.
Here are some lyrics that help prove my ridiculousness:

"In the autumn on the ground, between the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
I watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well

It's my caution not the cold
There's no other hand that I would rather hold
The climate changes, I'm singing for the strangers about you
Don't keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
The bets are getting surer now that you're my man

I could write a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
And like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart

*****

Your eyes are full
Full of the future of us
The air changes as you look across
At me in that wondering way

It is as if
I knew you before we spoke
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Conspiring, converging without giving us any say

You, sing me to sleep
Talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

You're ruining me
With secrets and gestures and looks
With sonnets from second-hand books
Playing the chords in me nobody knew how to play

You, sing me to sleep
Talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

It fits in your hand like water in rain
It unlocks our two different selves
And shows we are the same
Rather than wait `til I put me out for the taking
You're breaking
You're breaking
You're breaking into my heart
And I'm letting you

*****

ridiculous. hopeless. romantic.

Ok, I have been studying for the past few hours, and on my drive back to the dorm I had all kinds of thoughts floating around in my head. So, while this blog may be a little scattered, I do apologize, but that's just me! Complicated and wonderful!

I was thinking about my most recent blog post while trying to fall asleep last night. I had made that "PostSecret," posted at the beginning of the blog, a few years ago. At the time, I made it because I was just TIRED of hearing a close guy friend of mine swoon and fawn over every girl he saw. I didn't think that it was ever really about ME in my mind. And still, when I saw it recently, a new guy friend of mine came to mind, but I still didn't feel like it was TRULY about me. Mostly I just felt tired of hearing how BEAUTIFUL and PRETTY and ATTRACTIVE every single other girl was. Why can't we hear, "Man, that girl has got the most amazing laugh!" or even "Have you heard her talk about her passions? So awesome!" But, that is laughable. You will NEVER hear that from a guy. NEVER.
Even as I write this, I feel like a complete liar. Because deep down I realize how much about ME that PostSecret really is. I have never heard any of those things. I have always been surrounded by guys as my close friends. But that's all it ever amounts to, just the friend. And NEVER the beautiful, attractive, pretty one. I guess I never realized how deeply it affected me. Hmm…

The other day my roommate asked me if I ever wondered what my husband will look like. I thought about it and realized I really never have. I have always thought about my future mate, and what types of characteristics he will have... funny, outgoing, a heart for ministry... but as for looks... not so much. Sure we joke that I am obsessed with red hair and freckles... so that wouldn't be too bad! But in all honesty, the outward has never been a big deal for me. That is just the difference between males and females I guess! But now I can't help but wonder... what WILL he look like? Maybe God could help me out with a big red arrow pointing directly at him next time he's around, if he ever is.

I realize that I am truly a hopeless romantic. Sometimes I tease my friends for being this way, but I have to confess that I am just as bad, if not worse, than all of them put together. I LOVE love... I crave relationship... I want to hold his hand while he drives... I desire to be the first thing on his mind when he wakes up and the last thing he thinks of before falling asleep... I LONG for the day when the songs I listen to have more meaning than just pretty lyrics and harmonies. This has been at the forefront of my mind lately, maybe just because the holiday season is bearing down on us, or maybe because I torture myself by writing sappy blogs and listening to ridiculously cheesy music. Whatever the case, I am HOPELESS ♥

THIS is how i felt last night... and then I had a great thing happen...

I had to get the "Best Friend Talk" from one of my dearest friends. It was hard to take... but exactly what i needed to hear.

I was having a hard time with a certain boy that i was pining after. No, I was not throwing myself at his feet or anything drastic. But I was romanticising every thing he said and did... over analyzing each and every word... convincing myself that he would one day see what was right in front of him... and fall in love with me... and my Taylor Swift love story would be complete... NO SUCH LUCK.

So I text my friend and ask her WHY I continue to like this boy, who obviously isn't pursuing ME, or making ME feel special. And she told me this:

"Breaker, he doesn't like you. He's not going to like you. The more you hold on the more you're going to hurt. Even though you know you're being silly there's still part of you that thinks it's going to work. But it's not going to work. It's really not. Because as much as you know he's such a "great guy" he's also young, shallow and flirty. It makes me so mad that he strings you along..."

BAM. DONE. That was it for me. That was exactly what I needed to hear!

Why do we women do this to each other? It's just like in the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" (which I watched last week with this same dear friend who text-bombed me. I'm pretty sure she was telling me "Breaker, he's just not that into you!" that night... but me and my sixth glass of wine begged to differ!) We tell each other, "Oh, he will come around..." and "Of course he likes you..." blah blah blah... Why can't we all be REAL women, like my friend, and be blatantly, painfully honest with each other. It was the BEST thing I have had done for me in a long time. And it was like ripping off the band-aid.... I'm not in any pain anymore... I am SO thankful for her as a friend.

As for the boy, I'm moving on... slowly! haha

Why? It's such a basic question- but in some situations there is no good answer. I have been faced with so many "whys" lately. In not only my own life, but in the lives of the girls around me...

Why do we invest so much of our hearts in that new guy, just to get hurt again?
Why do we look in the mirror, and not see the beauty, but see ugliness?
Why do we think so poorly of ourselves that we stop eating or form some other horrible habit?
Why do we yearn for our parent's love and approval so badly, that we beat ourselves up over it?
Why do we blame ourselves for so many of this world's problems?
Why do we place so much of our identity in our relationship status?
Why do we equate the attention he gives with our worth?
Why? Why? Why?

Last night, one of my friends told me how she desperately wanted to "save" someone close to her that was struggling in a bad situation. I told her we can't save anyone, only God can... and she asked me, "Then WHY isn't He?!?" Whoa... that threw me for a loop... I didn't have an answer to that. I don't have an answer to any of these questions, but that last one really made me think... why?

All I can do is trust that His word is truth, and hold onto the Lord's promises.
He IS good... even in the "whys."

I had some pretty interesting conversations with my best friend the other night. We are both feeling simply fed up with the "relationship games" that go on. We are tired of being lonely. We are both happy, fun, outgoing Christan girls. We both have a good head on our shoulders, we know what we want. Basically, we know that we are amazing... but we've got baggage. Is that enough to scare away every decent guy? Are we only good enough for the guys who are looking for a good time?

I wonder how many other girls feel this way? As if there is a formula out there for us as Christians to follow in order to have a "good life." A twelve step program for living the perfect life in order to get the perfect husband, with the perfect job, and raise two perfect children. While my friend and I realize that God has great things planned for us, in HIS time, we are ready NOW and are tired of waiting around.

What's the next step for us? Do we sit around and wait for our future husband to come riding in on his white horse to rescue us from the monotony of our day to day? Or do we need take the lead? I am fond of chivalry, so I'm not about to step out and start asking guys on dates. I fully believe that it is the Male's role to pursue us girls. But what do we, as women, need to do to light a fire under the asses of today's men?

I'm sorry to report that I, obviously, don't have the answer. If I did, I wouldn't be having these conversations over dinner with my best friend. I wouldn't be planning a girls weekend to drink wine and eat chocolate and complain about guys. And I wouldn't be writing this blog!

All this to say, guys, if there is a girl in your life who is still single and you can't seem to figure out why... man up and take her out to dinner, or coffee. You never know what may come of it. You may find a new friend, or you may find the woman of your dreams. The one that you never knew was right in front of you. Come on, you've got nothing to loose.

And girls, don't loose hope! Like I said, God does have amazing things planned for us. In the meantime, find your true friends, grab a bottle of TwoBuckChuck, rent some chick-flicks, bake some cookies, and enjoy a weekend of being amazing women!

Facebook turns me into a glutton for punishment. I don't know why I have remained his "friend" after everything fell apart between us. Well, that's a lie... I am not his enemy, and secretly I want to know what he is doing with his life, I want to know that he is ok. But do I want to see him happy and in a new relationship? Do I want to see pictures of him kissing his new love? They look the same, it's just that the girl has been changed. Do I want to see the comments he leaves about her? The are written the same, it's just the person they are about has changed.

I know exactly why it bothers me so much. Why I get that sinking, horrible feeling in my gut. You know, the feeling you get when you hear something you didn't want to hear? I know why i feel that way when I see his updates all over my news feed.

He was the only person, in my 25 years of life, who saw something in me that was worthwhile. The only person who saw me as more than "just a friend." He looked at me and saw beauty, he cherished me, he adored me. I haven't found that again. I held onto hope that maybe someday he would come back around. He would see those things again. There is definitly no one else out there that sees those things. And now, that hope is gone. It's as if that part of me is gone. I want it back.

I want to feel worthwhile. I want to be more than "just friends." I want to feel beautiful. To be cherished. To be adored.

Why can't I seem to grasp these things? The things I am most passionate about, that I strive to engrave in the minds of the teenage girls that I work with. I teach these things, I write about these things... but do I BELIEVE them?


This summer I had to teach a seminar on something that I was passionate about, a topic that I felt I had enough knowledge or experience in, to be able to talk about it for a little under an hour. One day, it hit me, I was supposed to talk about finding our worth in the LORD and not in things of this earth, and about understanding God's love in a new way. I prepared for months. I had really great ideas, visuals, I recorded a song, and by summer I was ready! I spoke every Thursday for five weeks. Sometimes to thirty girls, sometimes to three. Every time I felt so good about it. But now summer is over, and I am struggling with the EXACT things I taught about. I am back at square one.

I started off the seminar holding up a mirror. I had the girls tell me words that they think of when they look at themselves through the worlds eyes. This always started off a little difficult, getting that first girl to say something negative, but eventually the words flowed, harsh and painful... "Ugly. Fat. Unwanted. Lonely. Nerd. Loser. Unworthy. Disgusting." The most horrifying words would come from the mouths of these innocent teenage girls, and it broke my heart to write them down on the mirror. I would hold up the mirror and show them these things that we, as women, have come to believe about ourselves. Those words were vows that we have made, deep in our hearts, that we hold as truth.

I shared with them a "vow" I had made a few years ago. I had vowed to find worth, no matter the cost. To make someone, anyone, look at me and see something beautiful. I wanted to feel "worth it" and I would do anything to feel that way. And so began a long road of giving my heart, and my flesh, over to many guys. Not because they loved me or wanted a relationship with me, but because they were giving me attention, attention that I equated with worth.

It's not a fun story to tell, and it's not easy to sit in front of a group of girls that look up to you and think you are simply the coolest counselor in the world, and tell them how messed up you are. But God takes those "not so great" things about our lives, and allows us to use them for His glory.

I then told the girls about the book of Hosea. My favorite book in the Bible, because it is a story of unconditional love, and it is a story about God and US. Hosea is told to take in a prostitute as his wife. He loves her, gives her a home, takes care of her, and what does she do to repay him? She turns her back and returns to her old life. She thinks that she is only good enough to sell her body to men, she doesn't deserve this kind of love. But Hosea relentlessly pursues her, and purchases her back time and time again. And this is EXACTLY what God does with us. I then shared with them the story behind my tattoo. How it says "Priceless" because I AM that prostitute in Hosea. I have turned to my old life time and time again, and the Lord continually will buy me back, because to Him, I am priceless.

God WANTS our love. He is jealous for it. He will pursue us, and block the paths of things that get in the way of that. And He doesn't leave us high and dry, He romances us back to him. He sends us shooting stars, and beautiful sunsets. He quiets our souls, and gives us goosebumps and tears of joy. When I began to see the way that God was romancing me in my own life, I stopped turning back to my old life. I could rest in His love. I saw "God's Love" in a whole new light.

I then had the girls think about "new vows" to make in their hearts, so that the old vows would slowly fade away. I played a song written from Zephaniah 3:17 and gave them time to reflect on these things. I then concluded my seminar with the mirror. I brought it back out, with all the ugly words written across it and asked the girls to think of new words about how the Lord sees them. The words flowed again, this time so sweetly, "Beautiful. Perfect. Priceless. Daughter. Loved. Worth It." I would erase the harsh lies and replace them with lovely truths. Every Thursday I would leave the room where I gave my seminar, feeling overwhelmed by the beautiful words these girls would say of themselves. Overwhelmed at the love of God. Overwhelmed that He delights in me. Overwhelmed that He sees me as priceles.

But at the same time, I knew that sooner or later these precious girls would fall right back into the lies they originally wrote up on the mirror. And I would too.

And that is where I am today. Back to the beginning with horrible, ugly words written on my mirror. I know in my head that all of this is true. That God loves me, that He pursues me, that His timing is perfect, that He delights in me. But right now, my heart cant grasp it.



I wonder how often this happens? How often do pastors stand in front of their congregation and preach ever so passionately about something, just to drive home and wrestle with their own thoughts on the subject? How often do Youth Pastors spend their time pouring out love onto the kids in their youth group, but have no love for themselves? I just don't understand how this works... when will we get it... when will we finally grasp the things we have been taught and have been teaching for years? Maybe when we finally reach eternity? In that case, come quickly Lord Jesus!